Christmas

Guess what I got for Christmas?

I bet you can't

Bet you all the money you got for Christmas.

Well I'll tell you, I got exactly what I asked for.

Nothing.

And that's just the way I like it.

I won't tell you why I ask for nothing. You should understand that already.
Because Christmas isn't about gifts you fuck heads.

Its family and Food. and the gifts is just big bussiness.
So I hope the money that stuffed your stockings left a empty feeling inside your heart.
But if you did give gifts, I pray that they were simple and from the heart.

Merry Christmas.

Intoxicated Spontaneous Prose

Im sitting here, the music heavy, kinda like molasses bricks that are pouring out of my fingers all over this screen. Im not sure where this will go. This blog I mean. Im writing to no one, about no one, because none of you are really worth my mind. I really think that.
A blog? Thats not Jacob Cooper. He writes his life into little black books and never shows them to the world so that some day he will die and no one will remember who he was until they find the notebooks. and he will be a genius. Emily Dickinson that shit. Because even though my biggest fear in the world is ending up alone forever and never having a companion, I crave to be a lost piece of history found someday and thought to be supreme and deep and such an important part of culture. But I wont. None of us will.
There is a duality in self. You are the biggest thing in this world you know. your life is filled with mostly well, you. but really you are so tiny. so fucking not worth anything that when you die the world won't even feel you leave. But it will because you are the whole and the whole is you. that is what people don't understand. That you are. Does that make sense? if it does you should probably not be on this plane of existence. Just be happy you get to be alive. get to taste and smell and feel. emotions are disgusting but fuck it i love feeling. even sad. its amazing to be able to feel something like that. To feel anything.

I don't wan to be misunderstood. except I do because that makes for interesting conversation.
But I don't want to get burned.
so don't your potholderz

They are icky

What does it take. like really take. I must have been outta the game awhile. Come on. Do I have to walk straight up to you and make a fucking ass out of my self by telling you how I think you are Gorgeous. How when I see you my day is freakin great all of a sudden and that i just want to sit with you are longer than I've ever been or ever will be allowed and just hear you.  What does it take to get a pretty girl to go out on a single date with me. Just one day. I mean im gonna do it one of these days. Maybe. I mean what do I have to lose. They say no and life goes on and im left with no less than I had before.

This is how I feel. and I wish it was more acceptable to just be able to be forward about these things. Because I never understand why we sometimes feel ashamed by our emotions. Or always feel ashamed. We all feel them so why not share them.

now a song not entirely related but still related to my day. Or more like my entire life.
Really

Love is

Love is a battlefield
Love is a drug
Love is a flame.

Love is a lot of things. and all of these things is true. But i have a new analogy for love.

Love is a Urban Legend.

Think about it. A lot of people have been in love. you yourself may even have been in love. I know I have. I think. See.  Love comes around and is amazing and beautiful. but its gone always as quickly as it was there. just a blur. And when its gone you just really don't know if you had it at all. But I am one of them who swears he has. I swear to god I have proof. I just can't exactly show  you it.

So this is my new analogy for love. Urban Legend.

Love: Urban legend
twists me around like a doll
Play thing for Cosmos'

It all is a lie. Your life, your love, your job, money, the future. It simply doesnt exist. Truth be told. neither do you. Maybe your soul does. Maybe.
My point is, What is all this for? this headache, heartache, waking up to phone calls from people you don't feel like seeing. Working your ass off for 8 bucks an hour. What the Fuck is that bullshit. im essentially working like a fiend for a piece of green cloth that has some sort of worth. But seriously its just a green piece of weird paper that i might as well just use to light my fire place with and never look back.
Now I'm just ranting but come on! i feel like a crazy person.

Enlightenment is just seeing the world for its terrible self and finding beauty in it every day.

Does anyone else see whats important? People. It's the people that are important. I mean you arn't important. and im not important. but people are important. The experience is important. And fuck the rest. Fuck school Fuck work Fuck being stressed and  unhappy.
I rather be homeless and hungry and feed on my own thoughts and wishes than feed of this society that really isn't doin it for me.

Its a dream of mine to be able to disappear from everyone's lives. Like death but better.

Life is

How unaware we are.
Have you ever seen yourself in a mirror? Really seen. when you look you see your eye or nose or mouth or hair, but the big picture? To stair at yourself with the eyes of a stranger and to judge  yourself.

There is so much beauty that we forget to see, the patterns on a sheet, lonely lights shining through the dark, warped rings in a hardwood floor. Each their own spinning galaxy. Even the simple unavoidable act of being alive and being able to just experience this world is a profound experience. Tormenting, rewarding and in the end of it all euphoric and peaceful.

Living is the only shared experience that everyone experiences differently.

Clean Slate

Im doing the unthinkable today, cleaning my bedroom. overflowing closet and all. And write about philosophy of contentedness. I believe how a person keeps the place they live is a direct link to how a person also keeps their thoughts. Messy home then perhaps a mind in clutter as well. But the opposite could be said that a clean house is a way to cope with what you cant control in your own thoughts and life. But generally I believe the first to be true.
This is why i take on the task. Its been its been five months and I have some mental clutter than I can finally part with.
Room of dirt and lies
you will not hold me for long
myself to make pure


Its fascinating how guilty we feel when things aren't clean. Even if a house isn't dirty, just lived in we may feel embarrassed by it. Man was born of earth and he is disgusted by it. Ironic.  This makes me think of  a quote from a song, "Get your head out of the clouds d and get your feet back into the dirt my friends"

None of this to say that order can't be a good tool. but a bit of clutter I think just means you have a lot of thoughts and more important things to worry about than how clean things are. My desk is a mess but I know where it all is and what its purpose is.