Christmas

Guess what I got for Christmas?

I bet you can't

Bet you all the money you got for Christmas.

Well I'll tell you, I got exactly what I asked for.

Nothing.

And that's just the way I like it.

I won't tell you why I ask for nothing. You should understand that already.
Because Christmas isn't about gifts you fuck heads.

Its family and Food. and the gifts is just big bussiness.
So I hope the money that stuffed your stockings left a empty feeling inside your heart.
But if you did give gifts, I pray that they were simple and from the heart.

Merry Christmas.

Intoxicated Spontaneous Prose

Im sitting here, the music heavy, kinda like molasses bricks that are pouring out of my fingers all over this screen. Im not sure where this will go. This blog I mean. Im writing to no one, about no one, because none of you are really worth my mind. I really think that.
A blog? Thats not Jacob Cooper. He writes his life into little black books and never shows them to the world so that some day he will die and no one will remember who he was until they find the notebooks. and he will be a genius. Emily Dickinson that shit. Because even though my biggest fear in the world is ending up alone forever and never having a companion, I crave to be a lost piece of history found someday and thought to be supreme and deep and such an important part of culture. But I wont. None of us will.
There is a duality in self. You are the biggest thing in this world you know. your life is filled with mostly well, you. but really you are so tiny. so fucking not worth anything that when you die the world won't even feel you leave. But it will because you are the whole and the whole is you. that is what people don't understand. That you are. Does that make sense? if it does you should probably not be on this plane of existence. Just be happy you get to be alive. get to taste and smell and feel. emotions are disgusting but fuck it i love feeling. even sad. its amazing to be able to feel something like that. To feel anything.

I don't wan to be misunderstood. except I do because that makes for interesting conversation.
But I don't want to get burned.
so don't your potholderz

They are icky

What does it take. like really take. I must have been outta the game awhile. Come on. Do I have to walk straight up to you and make a fucking ass out of my self by telling you how I think you are Gorgeous. How when I see you my day is freakin great all of a sudden and that i just want to sit with you are longer than I've ever been or ever will be allowed and just hear you.  What does it take to get a pretty girl to go out on a single date with me. Just one day. I mean im gonna do it one of these days. Maybe. I mean what do I have to lose. They say no and life goes on and im left with no less than I had before.

This is how I feel. and I wish it was more acceptable to just be able to be forward about these things. Because I never understand why we sometimes feel ashamed by our emotions. Or always feel ashamed. We all feel them so why not share them.

now a song not entirely related but still related to my day. Or more like my entire life.
Really

Love is

Love is a battlefield
Love is a drug
Love is a flame.

Love is a lot of things. and all of these things is true. But i have a new analogy for love.

Love is a Urban Legend.

Think about it. A lot of people have been in love. you yourself may even have been in love. I know I have. I think. See.  Love comes around and is amazing and beautiful. but its gone always as quickly as it was there. just a blur. And when its gone you just really don't know if you had it at all. But I am one of them who swears he has. I swear to god I have proof. I just can't exactly show  you it.

So this is my new analogy for love. Urban Legend.

Love: Urban legend
twists me around like a doll
Play thing for Cosmos'

It all is a lie. Your life, your love, your job, money, the future. It simply doesnt exist. Truth be told. neither do you. Maybe your soul does. Maybe.
My point is, What is all this for? this headache, heartache, waking up to phone calls from people you don't feel like seeing. Working your ass off for 8 bucks an hour. What the Fuck is that bullshit. im essentially working like a fiend for a piece of green cloth that has some sort of worth. But seriously its just a green piece of weird paper that i might as well just use to light my fire place with and never look back.
Now I'm just ranting but come on! i feel like a crazy person.

Enlightenment is just seeing the world for its terrible self and finding beauty in it every day.

Does anyone else see whats important? People. It's the people that are important. I mean you arn't important. and im not important. but people are important. The experience is important. And fuck the rest. Fuck school Fuck work Fuck being stressed and  unhappy.
I rather be homeless and hungry and feed on my own thoughts and wishes than feed of this society that really isn't doin it for me.

Its a dream of mine to be able to disappear from everyone's lives. Like death but better.

Life is

How unaware we are.
Have you ever seen yourself in a mirror? Really seen. when you look you see your eye or nose or mouth or hair, but the big picture? To stair at yourself with the eyes of a stranger and to judge  yourself.

There is so much beauty that we forget to see, the patterns on a sheet, lonely lights shining through the dark, warped rings in a hardwood floor. Each their own spinning galaxy. Even the simple unavoidable act of being alive and being able to just experience this world is a profound experience. Tormenting, rewarding and in the end of it all euphoric and peaceful.

Living is the only shared experience that everyone experiences differently.

Clean Slate

Im doing the unthinkable today, cleaning my bedroom. overflowing closet and all. And write about philosophy of contentedness. I believe how a person keeps the place they live is a direct link to how a person also keeps their thoughts. Messy home then perhaps a mind in clutter as well. But the opposite could be said that a clean house is a way to cope with what you cant control in your own thoughts and life. But generally I believe the first to be true.
This is why i take on the task. Its been its been five months and I have some mental clutter than I can finally part with.
Room of dirt and lies
you will not hold me for long
myself to make pure


Its fascinating how guilty we feel when things aren't clean. Even if a house isn't dirty, just lived in we may feel embarrassed by it. Man was born of earth and he is disgusted by it. Ironic.  This makes me think of  a quote from a song, "Get your head out of the clouds d and get your feet back into the dirt my friends"

None of this to say that order can't be a good tool. but a bit of clutter I think just means you have a lot of thoughts and more important things to worry about than how clean things are. My desk is a mess but I know where it all is and what its purpose is.

My Goddess gave birth to your God

Well to start things off I went to a very awesome concert this evening. Got to see one of my favorite bands, Protest the Hero. But before I go any farther I just have to say this will be one of few if any more posts about Metal music. But all in all a very good night with my good buds. Got a chance to get some of that well kept aggression out.  







_________________________________________________________________________________Now to the meat and potatoes of whats up with the title of this.
The view of the female in todays society is shaky at best. But what is the view of females by an average white male early 20s. you would be surprised.
My life not marked by certain life changing events but however, certain women.  "Behind every great man is a great woman". Popular quote but i think its missing the plural. Since My freshman year in highschool, and that is basically what i consider my actual first year of experiencing the world in its more real sense, all the definable stages in my growth as a person can be time lined by very specific girls who all affected my life in only what I can think of as profound. The truth behind it all is the heartbreak.
Its always the same; Get a crush, fall in love, See the world newly, then get thrown back into reality with clouds in  your eyes and what seems like a false sense of self to put it all together.

And can I say its happening again.  Don't get me wrong, this is in no way negative. This is just living and I like to see where the road may lead.   ...Oh yes the girl, the girl, the girl. What could i possibly say to make you understand. You ever have those days where  you want something pretty bad and you get sorta a really teasing taste but its not really enough and by the end of the day your jaw is really sore from clenching because you're anxious. Yeah it was a day like that. I see the pieces but they just dont fit quite right. or one got soggy. All in all its good for the writing, and maybe a little soul. And perhaps the pieces don't fit because i havnt't found them all yet.
 Girl I Hardly Knew Ya
Girl I  hardy knew ya,
your smile went through me,
like flares in the night,
tender subject in tender voice,
I hardly knew ya


But could never say,
thoughts of you float off me in Autumn breeze,
some caught in trees disguised as Golden leaves,
inherent attraction,
with nothing but my fear and failing actions,
always just a friend in need,
but alright...
lets wait and see


mmmmmm a bit of late night poetry.
Im terribly, helplessly romantic and I've never seen it help me much. But like they say, lets wait and see.

It's a windy road

So first post. So far, so good.
What can i say really, Im 20. Its a terrible age. No longer a boy, hardly a man in anyones eyes. but it suits me and my current mind set. even though i usually feel like this age is wrong for me.
What else? I go to college, if you want to call it that. more like not go to class and just write poetry in early morning coffee shops over good tea.  Thats right I'm a writer. Or i fancy myself one. This blog should help us all find that out. Even though i despise school i have a taste for knowledge. The more i know the happier i will be. Or thats what i tell myself.

I most definitely enjoy my life thus far. Who can lose when its all out there to just take and experience.
It all hasn't been sugar and spice though. Times are tough out there for a new member of society. Its a cold hard bloody crawl to the top. Where ever your top may be. To sum it all up  though, a song.                

So this is me, And its gonna be weird. But it will be worth it.